The Latinafication of the White Female...

This shit has to fucking stop. It's been roughly seven years since Christina Aguilera played the "brown card." Apparently her Dad was part Argentinian or Ecuadorian or whatever and she decided she'd celebrate her heritage with the flaunting of her taco meat and a stereotypical Latin-slut barrio accent ("uh uh! no yoo zin't!"). Sadly, her image failed to earn her street cred with the Rosas and Marias and Consuelas everywhere, but allowed her to capitalize on the Latin explosion of the time that produced memorable collaborations like "Nobody Wants to be Lonely," featuring Ricky Martin, and fucking "Where My Gurlz At?" or some shit, featuring Lil' Kim and her second face (I think she's on number five now).

Still, Christina has planted the bastard seed of a legacy in the cranial womb of dumb bitches everywhere. White ass-jeans, fake accents, and braids that are likely to reek of Newports and Tommy Girl. These are the same girls who hop in their fucking convertibles that Daddy's white collar, white-bred job paid for, and cruise around shopping centers and mall parking lots blasting Mariah Carey on repeat, looking for thuggish guys named Hector or Jose or Speedy Rodriguez who may or may not be affiliated with MS-13. These girls are the same girls who refuse to exercise or eat healthy so that they can be "thicky-thick" for their "men." Hector or Jose or Speedy Rodriguez wants that big Latin ass that used be reserved for black women B.J.L. (Before Jennifer Lopez, and, more recently, Vida fucking Guerra.) They don't care if it's covered in cottage cheese. As long as their girls are pushing two-twenty then they're set.

What's even more annoying is when the white girls actually claim a Hispanic heritage, the most popular being Puerto Rican. You're not fucking Puerto Rican. Daddy may own property or indentured servants in Puerto Rico, but that has nothing to do with you. This is my rule for determining heritage: if you don't look the part then it doesn't fucking matter. This goes for all the white Latinas, the blonde Italian girls, and any asshole who claims he's Cherokee (aren't we all, you lying fuck?). If you go to tanning beds and suck at archery, you're not Native American. If you put on an old school newspaper "Extra! Extra!" cap that's pink and made of leather and matches your poorly-crafted Prada bag that the Korean street vendor overcharged you for on your last field trip to Washington D.C., you're not Latina. You're a knockoff.

"Uh uh! No he zin't!" (yes I zid)