Jesus Fish and Douchebags

Before I post I just want you guys to know that I have now enabled comments. They are no longer disabled and drooling on themselves. Har, har... har. Anyway, here:


I have an enemy and its name is the Jesus Fish. Whether its cars, clothes, or cute little ankle tattoos that make me fucking want to vomit, every god-fearing, fag-hating, "nigger-avoiding" boy and girl is proud to wear one in the name of peace and unity. Why? Because they’re just so goddamn adorable… and they like stand for Jesus and how religious somebody is or something, you know? You know what I say? Fuck the Jesus Fish and its looped-string looking simplicity. It’s unoriginal – a symbol of ignorance and complacency. When I see a Jesus Fish I see people smiling through their teeth at choir practice, singing the same hymn over and over and over and over again: “You’re going to burn in hell if you don’t have one of theeeeeeese! Fa la la la la la, sodomize my face!”

One thing I’ve noticed is the girls who wear Jesus Fish attire (i.e. free shit left over from Bible Camp 2001) tend to be more homely and masculine, not to mention large, which poses the question: why do you love God so much if he made you so unattractive and boring? It’s hard enough for ugly girls to get attention from sober males. Couple that with the fact they don’t put out and quote Bible verses and there’s nothing left for them but Christian Rock and a fabricated sense of self-worth. And Jesus. Their lives are self-induced tautologies. You can never go full circle if you keep going in circles. Yet, they don’t care. It’s like they’re trapped in a Kindergarten class halfway through the semester – they have their friends, they know which blocks build the best shitty-looking block houses, it’s their turn to be line leader, and show and tell kicks some serious behind. Everyday is the same beautiful day, even if the sky is black and hailing boulder-sized clumps of hippo shit. I’m serious. A girl once said to me, “Great day, isn’t it?” when it was raining outside. I said, “It’s dark and rainy.” She said, “Every day God makes is beautiful. Besides, the farmers sure could use weather like this.” Then she walked away and I saw a Jesus Fish on her backpack.

What I want to know is if everything’s beautiful then what’s ugly? If everything’s beautiful then beautiful is average. Ubiquity triggers a loss of importance, of resonance – which means Jesus Fish aren’t the key to heaven. Then again, what’s heaven if all those assholes are floating around?