White Trash McDonalds vs. Minority McDonalds

I’ve pondered this for quite some time now. If I were walking down the street, singing a jingle, and my stomach fancied a cheeseburger and I came across two McDonalds sitting right next to each other – one run by minorities, the other by white trash – which one would I choose? Obviously this situation is very probable and will most likely happen to me tomorrow or sometime next week, so I must know what I would do. Here, today, now, I’m going to use those critical thinking skills of mine. I’m going to be a top-tier problem solver. Let’s split this shit up into categories, shall we? Remember, all assessments are going to be made on the assumption that I get hungry during PEAK HOURS.

Efficiency

You might as well fucking bring a lawn chair with you if you enter any of these establishments during the lunch or dinner rush. Apparently Juan or Kaydence has decided that the best way to combat the influx of assholes is to shut down all the registers except for one, which will undoubtedly be run by a Sudanese trainee who’s starting to have second thoughts about escaping genocide, or a fifteen-year-old girl with yellow bangs who can’t wait to get off the clock so she can go home, get pregnant, and smoke a carton of cigarettes in less than an hour. Either way, you’re left tapping your foot and sighing loudly.

Now let’s say you make it to the front of the line and it’s your turn to order. Fucking yay. The Sudanese trainee has been replaced with a large Hispanic woman; the fifteen-year-old with her ass-crotched manager who was probably born a Garbage Pail Kid. Personally, in this situation, I’d go with the ass-crotch. She’ll call me “hon” a whole bunch of times. The only downside to this is that when I order my milk (yes, I order milk from McDonalds) she’ll assume I mean chocolate milk. Then, when I tell her that’s not what I wanted, she’ll say, “ya want the white kind?” like she can’t understand why chocolate would take a backseat to anything (except for Doral Full Flavors). Now, if I were ordering from the large Hispanic cashier, she would say, “Meal? What kind?” No. Milk. “Mealk?” Leche. “Oh! Meallllk!” Then she turns around to get it and I realize that her tight black pants may have been a tarp or a Lycra parachute in a former life.

Still, all this considered, I’d have to choose the white trash McDonalds. Sure, at the minority McDonalds you can count the wispy mustache hairs on the Indian women in line if you get bored, but the grab bag of cultures operating the place make it hard for them to even understand each other.

Advantage: white trash McDonalds

Cleanliness

Both places will be dirty as fuck. Always. Salt will be scattered everywhere like broken dreams that never existed. Rogue ketchup squirted by some future prince or bastard child will be holding that salt in place. The workers are dirty, the customers are dirty, the food is dirty, you’re dirty. Cleanliness in a place like this can only be achieved on a dirty level. It’s like washing your asshole: it may be clean, but how clean can an asshole actually be? This being said, I choose the minority-run McDonalds. Why? Because I’ll get used to the strange smells emanating from the customers and employees. I will never ever get used to the choking stench of cigarettes being smoked indoors, something that white trash McDonalds don’t only allow, but encourage as well. Come in, vote for Bush, talk bad about colored folk, smoke from your soft packs. Fuck that shit, homie.

Advantage: minority McDonalds

Food Quality

Why the fuck did I come here again?

Advantage: McDonalds Corp.

Friendliness

Apparently these places are “Now Hiring Smiling Faces.” Maybe it’s because none of the ones they’ve hired thus far know what a fucking smile is. Look, I know your job is shitty, but don’t mislead me with those big signs in the window and the way hip “I’m lovin’ it!” advertising campaign aimed at the urban demographic (as if they didn’t eat fucking McDonalds in the first place). Here’s an idea, McDonalds: aim your advertising campaign at rich, white suburban families. Jared Fogle is kicking the shit out of that market. Target the stay-at-home moms who are slowly deconstructing minute by minute. Show salads and bottled water. Make McDonalds a post-gym destination. Lie even more.

Look, we all know McDonalds is not a happy place. No matter what the fuck you do, McDonalds will never be a happy place. The kids who have birthday parties at McDonalds always grow up to be farmers or suicide bombers. Depending on your perspective, these may be admirable professions, but I know I don’t want my illegitimate son becoming a martyr.

Since McDonalds gets about as friendly as a sack full of frowns, this category will be judged in the same vein as efficiency. Until employee warts and moles can smile and say Hi, being called “hon” is as friendly as it gets.

Advantage: white trash McDonalds

Winner: Nobody