Dear Marine Girlfriends,
You are the most annoying creatures on this planet. Please shut the fuck up about how great your boyfriend is because he was too stupid to do anything else with his life. He may have his redeeming qualities, ones that don’t involve being a Marine, but I automatically hate him because you can't shut the fuck up about him. You are insecure and stupid. You would be lost without a patriotic cock and a big engagement ring. What would you talk about if you didn’t have your Marine? Laguna Beach? “Hawt” guys who work at Hollister or who have filled out an application to work at Hollister? How many magnetic yellow-ribbons are you planning to tattoo on your gas-guzzling SUV? By the way, don’t you find it ironic that your “boo” is fighting for oil and you’re using it all up?
I think it’s safe to say that you didn’t really start listening to country music until you met your “baby.” The days of ass-shaking to hip hop are over and the days of childbirth to fucking Rascal Flatts have just begun. Don’t worry, though. You’ll probably enjoy listening to “Bless the Broken Road” on repeat while you live the true American life as nothing more than a womb who likes to shop and get involved in pointless community activities like “cul-de-sac Arts and Crafts day at the Johnson's house.” Be prepared for the day that will come twenty years down the road, when an evil brown-looking person will ring your perfect doorbell and announce that he is the product of a rogue seed your husband planted in some shrouded Iraqi bitch like a flag in soil. Is there a country song for that scenario? And if so, does Toby Keith sing it?
So tell me, do you love him because of who he is or do you love him because of what he is? Would you love him if Marines weren't "in" right now? Does he have anything going for him other than being a Marine? Is he good at billiards and changing oil? I’m curious. You say you love your Marine so much and then you treat him like a caricature. Normal, smart women don’t go around spouting off their husbands’ or boyfriends’ professions. You know why? Because it’s just a fucking job. What if every woman went around saying, “My Cop” or “My Car Salesman” or “Mah Forklift Operator?” That would be fucked, would it not?
That’s it for now. By the way, Jarhead will be on DVD March 7. Pre-order it and tell everybody you did.