For those who missed it...

Since I'm too lazy to properly update, here's one of my first posts from last year. Probably my favorite one. The "Be Safe" Phenomenon.

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Three years ago you could go to the grocery store and people couldn't give two shits whether or not you survived the drive there. Sadly, those days are no more. Now everybody is suddenly concerned that you may not make it. Pretty soon you'll be wearing a neon-orange vest to take a shit. Housekeepers will be paid an extra twenty-two cents to taste-test Girl Scout Cookies and Pepsi One for poison. Due to the rising demand, helmets will sell for hundreds of dollars and quality blowjobs. Soccer moms will wear bullet proof vests during their afternoon pussy-licking sessions with the other neighborhood wives whose husbands work too much. Everybody will be strapped. And we'll all have this little phrase to thank: "Be safe."

"Be safe" has sidled its way into our goodbyes and I'm afraid that it's here to stay. What bothers me is, unlike media violence, I doubt this is something I will ever become desensitized to. That means it will be joining the likes of Mormons, people who get offended too easily, and Joey Gladstone on my list of shit I should make an effort to tolerate. Should make an effort to tolerate. That's like saying I should try to make less jokes about those fat bitches that putter around Wal-Mart on the courtesy motorcarts, stinking up the whole damn ride with their old Tweety Bird shirts and aqua-green sweatpants.

It won't fucking happen.

No. "Be safe" has to be stopped. Safety has never been cool. I don't care what McGruff and Smokey and signs at amusement parks and neighborhood swimming pools have to say; safety is a hassle and it makes you look like a bitch. Remember when you were little and learning how to ride a bike and your parents bought you all those pointless neon-colored pads and that huge fucking helmet? What did that helmet do for you? Did you fall head first against a mailbox? No, you didn't (if you did then stop reading. You're hurting my argument). I bet that helmet is sitting in some box in your garage right now. It would cry if it could, but it can't. It's a fucking bike helmet. "But Jeff, what about motorcycle safety?" When your pink Huffy with the tassles on the handlebars can do speeds upwards of 100 mph then a helmet is acceptable, but that's only so you don't get a mouthful of insects. Insects don't splatter on your face when you're chasing down the Good Humor man at 5 mph. Especially if you still use training wheels. Especially if those training wheels have My Little Ponies painted on them.

But I'm not just talking about bike safety; I'm talking about safety in general. Next time somebody asks to borrow your pair of scissors, hand it to him blade first. Don't double-knot your shoes. Frequently change the radio station when you're on the freeway during rush hour. Jump in an elevator (that shit is scary). Sit too close to the TV. Play Goonies II on Nintendo until you develop blisters and then play Super Mario Bros 2. Cross the street without looking EITHER way. Try to pet a mean-looking dog. Drink household products in the cabinet with the Mr. Yukmouth sticker on it. Refer to a black person as your "nigga." Share needles. Skin your knee and don't show your mother. Drop in on a half-pipe with no skateboarding experience. Watch the movie Twister. Don't have an adult check your Halloween candy before you eat it. Have unprotected anal sex with someone who coughs a lot and gets jealous when you mention your high T-cell count. Forget to wear your raincoat.

Be UNsafe. Do it for spite. The next time somebody tells you to "Be safe", tell that person, "No. You can't tell me how to act." They're not your parents, so why do they think they're the boss of you?

You especially need to watch out for the people who try to sound cool when they tell you to "Be safe." Sometimes these people wear their hats backwards, sometimes they don't. Maybe they'll offer you a candy cigarette. In that case, use the broken record method. These people want to be your friends, but they want to be your friends for the wrong reason. They want to be your friends so they can say "Be safe" and sound cool. How will they do this? By attaching the words bro, buddy, pal, or man to the end: Be safe, bro... Be safe, buddy... Be safe, pal... Be safe, man... Tricky, aren't they?

Make it known that you're a fan of horseplay and swimming in the deep end without your floaties (or milk jugs if you happen to be from a poor family). Don't be bullied by people who are concerned with your well-being.

But what are you supposed to do if they don't stop bothering you? Endanger others, preferably a little brother or sister or the neighborhood kid with shit and piss running down his legs like the Jamaican track team. This is by far the quickest way to get somebody off your back. I recommend pushing the stinky kid really high on a swing. So high that he starts to cry because he realizes that the situation he's in is no longer safe. Your front deltoids (those are shoulder muscles) may get tired, but it's important that you keep pushing until a concerned adult comes along to save the day and yell at you. This is when you tell that adult to go fuck himself. Pull out a comb and run it through your hair if you really want to get your point across.

The more you practice, the better you'll get. Pretty soon people won't even want to say bye to you. But no goodbyes means no "Be safe's." That's a victory in my book. Now go take a shit and leave your neon-orange vest in the closet. A pussy may need to use it.