Sunday, August 20, 2006

Boredom in a Movie Theater

So I saw Snakes on a Plane.

Yeah...

It's kind of like going to a strip club late on a Sunday night.

You're stoked, but the novelty wears off in ten minutes because there's maybe three strippers - uglier ones - who don't really want to be there, so they keep doing the same shitty routine, hoping for the occasional dollar.

Meanwhile, the A-crowd is at home doing rails of coke off of DVD cases.

Yeah...

The problem with this movie is it doesn't take itself seriously. It knows it's bad and it joins in on the fun.

It's like trying to pick on a little kid who openly acknowledges how fucking pathetic he is. Where's the fun in that?

It's like a self-aware retard. Definitely not as fun as a 'tard who can't figure out why people keep handing him graham crackers and asking him to dance.

Alright. Enough analogies.

"Snakes on a Plane" is a new cinematic low. Never ever take advice from Mountain Dew swilling e-geeks on how to make a movie, because this is the end product. Meanwhile, there's a surplus of this shit that goes straight-to-video and is actually ten times better.

But I reached a new low too. Entering the theater, I spotted a half-eaten bag of large popcorn and a large drink shoved beneath a seat. If there's one good thing about ghetto-ish movie theaters, besides the loud black audiences (there were none for SoaP, disappointingly), it's that the employees don't clean up after every showing.

So I took the fucking popcorn bag and drink and I cleaned them out in the bathroom and got free refills.

My dignity is apparently worth $11.50 and butter flavoring.

But about those straight-to-video masterpieces.

If you're in the mood for a fucking AWFUL movie that is so hilariously bad and doesn't even know it, I recommend checking out Down.

I was over at my friends's house one night, stoned out of my mind, when I ran into this little motherfucker on Cinemax. It's about a killer elevator.

A killer fucking elevator. Apparently taking the stairs is not an option.

Best line:

"We live in a vertical world. If we can't trust elevators than what the fuck can we trust?

Hand this movie some graham crackers and watch it dance.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the visit. That Burger King crown never looked better...

12:03 PM  
Blogger E.A. said...

I will not only check out Down, Jeff, but I will hunt that bitch down and make it part of my collection.

6:26 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Free Hit Counters