MTV's "My Sweet Sixteen"

I often joke with my friends about having a "kill somebody" pass, wherein every member of society is allowed to get away with one murder. Up until now I figured I'd end up taking a blade to Ashton Kutcher or one of those Real World dickheads, but MTV's "My Sweet Sixteen" has shown me the light. After mere seconds of exposure, I was relegated to these three words and these three words only: Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Before I tread any further, let me hit you with a little backstory. This show follows bitchy, ugly, dumb, spoiled, loud, foul, slutty, ugly, ho-ish, overweight, Veruca Salt-ish teenage girls as they prepare for the omigah! greatest party of their lives. These little whores are beyond rich. $10,000 stylists. $50,000 cars. $150,000 parties. They don't appreciate shit, yet their parents will not stop showering them with gifts. The show isn't a bit entertaining. It's your utter disgust for everybody on camera that keeps you watching. You burn with hatred for these girls. You want to see them slip on banana peels. You want ACME anvils to fall on their heads. You want them to get shot with trumpet-ended Elmer Fudd rifles.

Enough backstory?


This is the girl I watched today. Her name is Jazmin (the Z is in case she ever needs to strip). It looks like somebody took a vise and squished her face down. If she jumped into a time machine and went back to the late 80s, she could have been an extra in the movie "Willow." Apparently she used to be in foster care until she was adopted by a purse and a wallet that she now calls Mommy and Daddy. This brings to mind the movie "Free Willy," starring that piece of shit Jason James Richter. The character arcs are similar, except the little shit in "Free Willy" has the moxie to enlist the help of one our nation's last remaining Native Americans (the dude from Renegade) to steal a whale that doesn't belong to him. Jaz's (isn't that soooo cute?) parents would have bought her Willy. See the similarities?

Anyway, the whole episode this bitch is flanked by her brace-faced friends who nod and giggle at everything she says. These are the same types of girls who buy shit from Abercrombie just so they can hold the bag while they walk through the mall. These girls want to be VIPs at Jaz's party and they want it so omigah! bad. They pander without knowing it. The one that actually does show a shred of personality (don't exhaust yourself, gurl!) is cast aside, the new pariah of the group. So what does she do? She cries. Her BFF is gone and no amount of smiles and hugs and "you look so hawt's!" can bring her back.

So how does it end? Well, Jaz has a "way phat" party and ends up driving off in her brand new BMW Roadster with a boy in the passenger's seat who she'll end up giving bad head to while he closes his eyes and tries to think of popularity and the puckered assholes of his JV football teammates ("States, baby!"). Meanwhile, Ms. Personality realizes that drama just isn't for her. It makes people mean and people shouldn't be mean; they should be chill.

There are no lessons here. As much as I hate MTV for giving no-name assholes celebrity status (Fuck you, Tek Money), this show is edited just the way it should be. Even though the show shouldn't even fucking exist, I applaud it for perpetuating the spoiled brat stereotype. Not one moment is captured when the little bitches aren't being greedy or jealous or hedonistic. Jaz's rags-to-riches story hasn't humbled her one bit. If she ever gets run over by a car it had better be an expensive one. Her blood is too good to be spattered all over the windshield of some '92 Subaru Legacy with a rear-left wheel that occasionally acts up and a moon roof that leaks when it rains.

Fuck it. I'll hit her anyway.