American Idol Spin-Offs They Should Have Done

I don't watch TV much, but when you're trapped in the woods and burnt out from writing and masturbation it can be a welcome reprieve. I throw it on about once a day. We don't have cable or anything, so I'm at the whim of the networks: ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox. I think we get the UPN and WB too, but I don't know what channels those are and I can't be bothered to find out, especially since Moesha and Dawson's Creek are no more.

But I still get to see Brandy. (Aside: Musically, black people did everything first in the nineties, didn't they? Boy bands, girl groups, solo pop acts)

Along with David Hasselhoff and a Shit Simon Cowell Took (generic, snooty British guy), Brandy's judging NBC's "America's Got Talent!", an Idolesque "Gong Show" that may as well be called "If You Don't Sing Then You're Not Fucking Talented!" Perfectly talented saw violinists and jugglers have been booted off the show for not showcasing their vocal cords like a fat gay black kid belting out Gospel in a dorm hall lobby.

The worst and most shameless is "So You Think You Can Dance", an Idol rehash that even uses the same fucking color scheme for its promos. The judges: either a white or black hip-hop dance expert (they fucking alternate), some overweight, overmakeupped Marie Osmond look alike, and this British cocksucker named Nigel -- another shit Cowell took. Couples dance and America votes for the best ones. The overall winners are ultimately offered walk-on roles in "You Got Served 2: Dancing for My Supper".

Just kidding.

Apparently people eat this shit up. Sad stuff, right? Especially when you realize that it's garbage like this that keeps the original, funny stuff OFF OF TV. In the spirit of hatred, I've concocted a few (un)original spin-off shows they should've done. Let me pitch them to you:

America's Next Hero

Local media outlets judge as Retards and Dead GIs battle for the title of America's Next Hero. Each week, tards and flag-covered coffins with framed pictures of the dead GIs on top of them travel to places across Middle America to see who can capture the most hearts. America votes. The winner gets to be called an "inspiration" for a few months.

So You Think You Can Exploit People

Media whores Nancy Grace and Oprah Winfrey judge contestants as they interview victims or friends and family of victims who fit in with the current national interest. In the crucial "Nobody Gives a Fuck Anymore" round, contestants must cut off all ties with said victims and find new stories (victims) to pursue in order to keep their ratings high. America votes. The winner gets her own talk show.

Who Wants to Be an Annoying British Judge on an American Idol Spin-Off Show

Network bigwigs search for the next asshole with a Hugh Grant accent to be the archetypal cocksucker douche judge on an American Idol Spin-Off Show. Untalented contestants verbally abuse people of minimal talent with tired insults that sound fresh and twice as harsh when uttered in limey. America votes. The winner gets to be an annoying British judge on an American Idol Spin-Off Show.

American Idle

Friends and family decide which contestant does the most shit-talking about doing big things ("I'mma get this label off!") in life and then sitting on his ass and putting it off until tomorrow. America votes. The winner gets to sit on his ass and talk shit about how winning the show is going to help him get his label off.

America's Biggest Asshole

Actually there's no need for this show. This title goes to that withered old cunt on "The Price Is Right" with the last bid: "$1151".

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If you guys have any ideas drop a comment.

Still Alive!

I'm in Panera jacking free wi-fi internet on my laptop right now. Hence the update.

Between writing, incurring my mother's wrath, and the sluggish crawling of dial-up internet, I haven't had much a chance to post. Nothing is new, I assure you, but I just want you guys to know I haven't forgotten about you.

The only big happenings out here in rural Tennessee are the new redneck neighbors who deserve an award for living up to the stereotype in EVERY IMAGINABLE WAY. Three pickup trucks -- all parked in their yard -- and guess what colors? Red, white, and blue. Starting at eight in the morning, they hop on their three-wheelers and proceed to tear the fuck out of their yard for the next few hours while their pet rottweiler and pitbull chase them around barking like hungy retards at a graham cracker factory.

Speaking of retards, I watched "The Ringer" on DVD, probably the worst fucking movie I've seen since Poltergeist III on the UPN Saturday Afternoon Matinee. Seriously, slapstick and forced pathos have to go. I would've stared at an Easter Seals donation jar if I wanted to be beaten over the head with the "They're just as good as we are" theme. Right, because I'm on equal ground with somebody who requires the special needs and attention associated with a family pet.

Let's stop condescending to the mentally challenged and treat them like people. Don't talk to them in that voice you normally reserve for the shell of what once was grandma. Use your normal tone: "Hey, cocksucker, want to go to the store with me? If you drool on the upholstery I'll take it out on your hide. Don't make that face at me."

Retards are people. Treat them that way.