Chris Brown... Jesus H.

Is it already time for a new Usher? What the fuck happened to Ray J? Omarion? Nick Cannon? Lil' Romeo? Lil' Bow Wow? Mario? Marques Houston? The black kid from Sister Act 2?... What's that you say? They're all too old to be marketed to black tweens and overweight white girls? Ah! No fucking wonder.

Meet Chris Brown, the latest piece of R&B shit birthed from the bowels of the music industry. Only sixteen years old, this brash motherfucker is already crooning about clubs and hos. Sixteen. He can't even get into a fucking club without a parent or legal guardian or P. Diddy. He probably still has a subscription to Highlights magazine. With any luck he'll be consumed by his superstardom, grow some inner demons, and take the Oedipal route to coping, gouging his eye out like fellow R&B hype Houston. Mark my words -- this kid will be a fucking pastor within the next six years. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Right now, Chris Brown is hot shit on a summer's day. His number-one-smash-hit-single-club-banger-head-nodder-put-a-gun-in-your-mouther Run it! has raped the airwaves and roofied many sets of ears into consent. Even mine (but that's only so I can cry about it). You've probably heard this shit blaring from Escalades and tricked out Fast and the Furious cars for a hot fucking minute now. The dickheads bumping this shit from their two-million watt systems (The bitches love it, yo!) rest easy knowing that the song isn't complete pop or R&B. After all, Dipset's own Juelz Santana peppers the track with street cred and phat bars like "I know what girls want. I know what they like. They wanna stay up and party all night." Obviously Santana is practicing "method-rapping" and taking on the persona of a father of a daughter who's having a slumber party. Savvy move.

According to various Chris Brown fansites, he's not like the rest. He's not an image. He just happens to fit an archetypical role -- the braggadocio R&B/hip-pop hybrid. But hey, that's a coincidence... right? Let's take a look at his tracklist:

Intro
Run It
Yo (Excuse Me Miss)
Young Love
Gimme That
Ya Man Ain't Me
Winner
Ain't No Way (You Won't Love Me)
What's My Name?
Is This Love?
Poppin'
Just Fine
Say Goodbye
Run It! (Remix)
Thank You

Apparently Chris writes his own songs (I'm not fucking surprised). Does that mean the studio sends him the topics to write about? All the requisite genre songs are there. A few "You gone be mine, girl" tracks. The "My fans is ill" track. A "young G on the come up" track. Some "You my wifey" songs. And, of course, more club-banging dance shit, most likely featuring fucking Slim Thug or T.I. (they're on EVERYTHING).

But Chris isn't like the rest. He's not from Hotlanta or the Dirty Dirty or Des Moines, Iowa. He's from the burg of Tappahannock, Virginia. This means he has morals. This means that when the big time begins to take its toll, he can return home and unwind. Pet his dog or some shit. Enjoy mom's home cooking. Go back to his old high school and sign autographs for the "real" people who appreciate him for his personality. After all, he used to be one of them before some record executive realized he was good-looking enough to mold into a product.

Chris already has another over-produced single out that's starting to pick up major airplay on MTV and BET. He spends the whole video dancing on a basketball court in the hood. I don't know what song it is, but there's a very attractive girl checking him out and smiling, not sure if she should go up and talk to him. And what the fuck does Chris Brown do? He keeps dancing and repeating the chorus. Even when her friends make her leave, he dances into the backseat of her Escalade (Daddy must be a rapper). She wants to give him a kiss. Sorry, bitch, I'm singing the same fucking chorus again. Wait 'till I'm done. If you guys know me then you know that one thing I can't stand is the part in rap videos where some thugged-out flavor-of-the-moment whispers in some slut's ear while she grinds up against him. EVERY rap video has that part and now Chris Brown has one upped-them and it's even WORSE.

But he's just keeping it real. He's just KIRing it. Until this single fails. And his next album. He'll be lucky if the Disney Channel picks him up to sing with the fucking Cheetah Girls.