Annoying Internet Quotes

I'm on the computer too much -- usually writing or doing shit for class or procrastinating. Usually procrastinating, which puts me on the internet wasting away on the inane, like reading people's away messages and checking and re-checking websites since I only have about six I go to.

I will never reach the end of the internet.

If you don't already know, I hate cutesy shit. And I hate unoriginality and triteness. Sometimes these things come together to form one entity: the annoying internet quote. You've probably seen all of these before in some form of supreme shittiness. Chances are if you know a girl whose favorite color is pink and she's on your buddy list, you've seen them all. LOL! Here they are listed in no particular order. You can find the archetypical purveyor below them:

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Female between twelve and twenty years old. Maybe older, depending on how soon she grows a brain. Highly insecure. Fat or skinny, ugly or pretty, her self-esteem could clog a toilet at the Burger King. She wears a lot of makeup and perfume or body lotion or spray. Girls like her can make MAC's stock rise two points on a Saturday shopping trip. She is the reason for tanning beds and guys not washing their hands before their friends catch a whiff. Smells like dumb bitch, to me.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you going ,"Damn! That was fun!"

Uh oh. Party girl on the loose. Date rapists, ready your roofies. This girl is pretty much the same as the above, except she's edgier, even though she still makes sure she is completely shaved before she leaves her apartment for the night. She's not a hollaback girl. She won't take your shit. She's secretly happy when she gets a DUI because now she has something to complain about in her Marlboro Light-drained voice, loud enough for everybody to hear. Drunk driving is cool. She's going to party till she dies... which may be very soon.

All your base are belong to us.

Mountain Dew drinking online gamer. This dumb quote, which is a grammatical error from the horrible Nintendo game, Metal Gear, is sure to get a laugh from fellow douchebags who jerk off to naked cartoon characters. Nevermind that it's been slapped on t-shirts and sold at Hot Topic -- it's still every bit as original and funny as it was when the first gaming nerd posted it after conquering Morgoth with Fuph, his Level 12 Dwarven Elf Ranger who is really fucking good at magic. He could totally be a mage. All your Code Red are belong to me.

The human body is not meant to die in perfect condition, but to skid in and kick up dirt, completely used up, singing "Whoo! What a ride!"

Or some variation of this. I haven't seen this one for a while, but it is still very fucking stupid. It's usually found in the IM profile of ugly, dorky girls who have just been introduced to clubbing and partying. Getting drunk, something that used to be so wrong and sinful, is now the it thing to do: "It's like my body's a moonbounce and everyone's invited!" She wishes she would have started being a lush sooner. Then maybe she'd have friends; ones who don't punch another hole in the Ozone every time they change their underwear. Woof!

Women can fake orgasms, but men can fake entire relationships.

He wouldn't have to fake a relationship if you weren't so hell bent on being "exclusive" before letting him sample the goods. Or bads, which is probably why he left and probably why you've spent the past hour crying to your friends, who, by the way, don't really like you and are sick of you shedding tears over the dumbest shit. You're afraid you're never going to find Mr. Right. You desperately want to fall in love because you're just not interesting enough to make it as an individual. You are why magazine quizzes exist. Go buy some ice cream and rent Love Story.

I live for the times I can't remember with the friends I'll never forget.

Sorry, sweetheart, but they won't be your BFFs next month.