A,Memo,From,The,Comma,... ,

To: People

From: Comma

RE: You guys being fucking stupid.


My name is Comma. Regardless of what you may think, I am not a period with a tail on it. I cannot be substituted for a good old-fashioned space and I am not what's keeping your little brother from waking up. No, my job is to extend sentences and allow pauses for speech and thought. As you may well know, I haven't been doing my fucking job lately. But that's not my fault. I'm an entry-level tool here at Grammar Corp. This means I have to run errands on top of my daily duties. If xPinkx69gurl needs me to splice together a sentence I have to splice together the sentence, even though I should be preceding conjunctions and ending clauses. Needless to say, the paperwork on my desk is piling up.

I'm pulling upwards of one hundred hours a week and I don't get paid overtime. I've got an ulcer. I think my wife, Less-Than, is fucking around on me with Backspace from down the street. My little Less-Than is making me feel like less-than shit. I suspect she's taken Backspace as a lover because he has the means to do away with me for good. Plus he's the only one who can truly make love to her besides Left-Arrow. But I try, dammit, I try. I'm just spineless. I'm spineless. I can't say no and it's killing my life. Stop asking me to do so much, goddammit!

Period's in danger of losing his job and my best friend Semicolon already lost his. Everybody forgot why he was hired in the first place. They'd stare at him strangely and walk past his desk to put an assignment on mine. One that he could do better; one that he was trained to do (that's for you, old friend). Field reports from English teachers suggest that the students just don't care anymore. According to the reports, gangs and oral sex are of most interest these days. Why think when you can suck? Why become educated when the assholes over at Microsoft Word fix everything for you?

Don't get me wrong. You hire me to do freelance work at Microsoft Word and I'm happy. You fuck up and I'm underlined in green. Boom. Problem fixed. Yeah, problem fixed until you have me go over to Instant Messenger or MSN or the Ryan Cabrera Fan Club message board. Then what?

Please, I beg you. Use me correctly. I'm good at what I do. I'm really fucking good at what I do. Let me do it and you won't be sorry. Otherwise, deal with the consequences. Disgruntled punctuation marks are not pleasant to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

,

Comma