Which would you rather step in?

A pile of dog shit, a pile of horse shit, or a pile of human shit? I know dog shit, horse shit, and human shit tend to vary in shapes and textures and sizes, but for the sake of this question let's say that each pile is perfectly shat out in the shape and size of a cereal box. One of the smaller cereal boxes that you'd buy at a convenience store but pay double for because you don't feel like walking the extra hundred feet to get it in a grocery store.

So you have a pile of dog shit, a pile of horse shit, and a pile of human shit lying on the ground in cereal box form. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Is it hot? Dry? Frozen? Wet? Is it clumpy? Has the dog, horse, or human been eating off of Taco Bell's dollar menu (I'm fuuuullll!)?" I tell you, when I think of cereal box-shaped shit I think of hot shit. Like a tray of fresh-baked brownies. So, for question's sake, this shit is going to be hot.

Hot, cereal box-shaped, dog, horse, or human shit. Which would you rather step in? Right now you're probably thinking about your shoes. Are you wearing your nice shoes? Are you wearing heels? No. In my mind, we're all wearing black velcro British Knights that we may have possibly won off of Double Dare on Nickelodeon. And we're wearing shorts too. We don't want the dog, horse, or human shit getting all over the bottom of our Old Navy khakis or pantyhose. Capris could work, but are a major risk factor considering the pressure of the step is not a controlled variable (you may stomp into the shit if you like).

So, taking everything into consideration, which would you rather step in? Here's my list:

1. Horse
2. Human
3. Dog

The logic behind my decisions:

In my opinion, horse shit is the least smelliest of the bunch. The stool of the equine sits atop the shit caste system. It's reminiscent of walking across dewy farm land on a foggy, brisk-aired, country morning, admiring the land we stole from the natives, and stepping in something that's probably considered a delicacy somewhere in Asia. Horse shit is glamorous shit. Marvelous shit. Stepping in horse shit is only second to forgetting to put your DVD in the case when you return to Hollywood Video at the bottom of the list of "Things You Wish You Hadn't Done." Bottom is good. The top would be something like marriage or visiting Iraq or being a fan of Jesse McCartney or Ryan Cabrera (or both).

Human shit would be weird to step in, but I could get used to it. I'd rather live in a society where dogs walked humans and pretended to pick up human shit but didn't. Dog shit is just foul, but I'll get to that in a second. As humans, we've developed a tolerance for our own stool, no matter how small that tolerance may be. Stepping in people turds might freak some people out, perhaps on a cannibalistic level. I could see somebody playing touch football, slipping on some hobo excrement, and feeling like they just ate the poor bum for breakfast (bad pun not intended). Still, to me, human shit is tolerable. Unless it comes from a female. Actually that's impossible because girls don't shit. Especially good-looking ones. BAH-BAH-BAH-BAH! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Dog shit is despicable. Man's best friend produces shoe's worst enemy on a massive scale. Therein lies the problem. Humans hate dog shit and dogs love to shit. We don't pick it up. We may pretend to, but we don't. This means there's a large amount of shit out there. Intolerable shit that is not being disposed of.

I stepped in a pile of dog shit last month. Prior to last month, it had been at least a good year since I landed in Rover's chocolate pudding. Good odds, you say? Bullshit. I've never stepped in human shit or horse shit before. My feet are batting 1000% when it comes to that. And no, stepping in dog shit does not build a tolerance for it. It fuels the flames of hatred.

Scenario: You don't know you've stepped in dog shit. You're standing around with a whole bunch of people, shooting the shit, and you're thinking, "Man, something smells like shit." Everybody else is thinking it too, but nobody's pointing figures. Everybody just keeps talking about Pokemon and gas prices. Later you get home and you take off your shoe and the smell, the fucking potent smell, hits you right in the face. You look at the bottom of your shoe and you see what you think is mud with grass stuck in it. And you smell it. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Then you think about the afternoon bull session with Ned and Sandra and your other coworkers and you get embarrassed because you're convinced they all think you smell like shit. Dog shit. You can't sleep. You go into work the next day wearing extra cologne or perfume and when you get home that night you worry everybody thought you were trying to over-compensate for smelling like dog shit. Now there are two avenues you can pursue here: suicide or resignation.

Blame Spot and his Iams lamb formula.

(Note: If you read this and find this mildly entertaining please leave your "shit-list" in the comments section.)