Girls Gone Flaccid

"Look at those tits!... She's got nice ones... Perky nipples... Not bad... Uh huh... Yeah... Let's watch something else."

If you have ever actually sat down and tried to watch a Girls Gone Wild video then you know that after the sixth pair of tits you become desensitized to drunken nudity for a short period of time. The video serves as kind of a titty flash grenade, which is why I don't understand why some women are so anti-GGW. As none of you probably know, I was recently banned from Facebook because I pissed off a half-deaf, Fundamentalist sorority girl who subsequently had a large portion of her 1100 e-friends and sorostitute sisters report my account.

How did this start? GGW. She used the go-to feminist argument: "It's setting us back hundreds of years." Thing is, she's not a feminist. She's a prude. She's so much better than everybody because her hymen's still intact. She'd like to think her virginity is a personal choice, but one look at her mug tells you it's everybody else's personal choice. I told her to dustbust the cobwebs from her vagina. She called me a pervert (thank you) and mentioned something about how masturbation leads to STDs. I told her standing in front of the showerhead for too long is still a sin.

But that's a whole different story. The issue that arose from that altercation was not her being a sheltered, red-state bitch who thinks God has already chosen her mate for her and it's her job to find him (I wish I had her myspace link for you guys). No, the issue is that she thinks GGW is exploitative.

I disagree.

The girls may be encouraged to drink; they may be encouraged to give bad head; they may be encouraged to do it on film, but they're not being coerced. Some will argue that heavy encouragement is tantamount to coercion. Some will also be wrong. Bottom line: these girls are letting it happen. They know it's happening. They just don't realize the consequences. When they finally do, it's not their fault. No, it's GGWs fault.

Let me break it down like this: you're an old Korean man. You open up a Pawn Shop in the ghetto. Why? Because it will do good business. Now let's say somebody acquires a gun from your Pawn Shop. He then uses said firearm to clap a young nigga for his brand new Iversons. Is that your fault? From a fucked up perspective, yes. You sold him the gun, therefore you're responsible, right? Fuck no. You're just trying to make a living, you old Korean bastard. But why didn't you open up a convenience store instead? Because convenience stores get robbed. You watched Menace II Society. You know that.

But that's besides the point. Let's get back to the task at hand: Creator Joe Francis has made tits boring. That takes skill. Real girls getting naked? No way, man! I remember seeing my first GGW commercial back in high school: that blonde girl in the shower. She looked like everybody's sister's slutty friend. And we could see her naked. For a price. Yes, GGW was going to kick some serious ass. Then I watched my first GGW video with some friends. What a fucking letdown. The kid tried to act all cool because he was the only one who had a GGW video, but you could tell he got embarrassed after we started watching it. He kept asking all of us if we wanted to play Tony Hawk instead. We did.

Francis pushes units on prospect. GGW has never been good; it's an illusion of good. And now here we are in 2006 and GGW is the visual equivalent of the phrase "What happens in BLANK stays in BLANK!" How ad-nauseam.

What I want to know is who still buys this shit? You need a credit card to order. Why not buy porn instead? Seriously. Jerking off to GGW is like jerking off to the E! channel past midnight. Jerking to GGW is like jerking to Jessica Alba in Sin City. Jerking to GGW is like jerking to National Geographic magazine, only with hotter chicks. Jerking to GGW is like jerking to a GGW commercial. All of these you can do for free. GGW actually has these porn-ish interludes that prove to be the highlight of the videos, but if that's the case then why not just buy amateur porn? You won't need to fast-forward through the tits or skip through chapters of tits to get to what you really want.

So who keeps buying this shit? Fratboys, I think. Dirty old men who don't want to feel too dirty since this doesn't actually constitute porno. Porno is arousing. Nevertheless, GGW is pushing enough units to finance new videos -- the most recent being the Girls Gone Wild Games, which looks to be exactly like the Real World/Road Rules Challenge on MTV except without tops. And instead of being refereed by some washed-up X-Games athlete, it's a snaggle-toothed midget calling the shots. Did I mention he's drunk while he's doing it?

Wow! Get the lube!

The only thing worse than the videos are the fucking commercials with that tired, beachy music and girls who will be overweight in ten years pretending to be bisexual for dollar-fifty trucker caps. I'm haunted by the one with F-list comedian Doug Stanhope shouting, "Show me where babies feed! It's natural! It's natural!" You may remember him as "that other guy" on the new Man Show. He's so unfunny he can't even get a laugh when he takes his dick out.

GGW recently came under fire from women's advancement groups for excluding minority women in their videos, thereby violating code 1.3 of the Equal Opportunity Slut Footage Act. I'm serious: women's groups got upset that sluts of all races and creeds weren't being represented. Don't blame Joe Francis; blame his audience. As harsh as it may be, men of all races ONLY want to watch white girls take off their tops because, for these minority men, the white girl represents the unattainable. If you tell some Hispanic laborer that he can have a blonde wife he'll say "que?" But if you say it to him in Spanish he'll laugh in your face. He knows he'll never dunk his plain donut into the sweet, creamed coffee of the spoiled white bitch he works for unless he wants to catch a rape charge. The least he can do is fantasize about her daughter.

I guess I just answered one of my earlier questions. Who keeps buying this shit? Minority men. Joe Francis may be a fucking moron, but he's a savvy moron. He knows Black and Hispanic GGW videos are already available in the form of rap videos. Ever watch late night BET? That's what a Black GGW looks like.

So what's my point? What point am I trying to make here? You know, I'm not even sure. I thought I had an agenda and an argument, but now that I read back through my words I realize I really haven't made any points. I'm just talking. I guess that's the price of some stream-of-consciousness type shit. I'm just rambling, but that's okay because I've included rambling in my blog subtitle. That makes it acceptable.

Hmm.....

I guess what I'm trying to say is tits are great. Videos of tits just being tits tend to get boring. It's like listening to a song you really like six times in a row; you'll still like the song but you'll be tired of it for the time being.

Let's keep tits interesting. Oh, and somebody show Doug Stanhope where bottom-tier entertainers feed:

Joe Francis.