Cam'ron ft Lil' Wayne - Suck it or Not: A Masterpiece.

(Warning: Listening to this song may cause severe knuck-if-you-buck moments, domestic violence, and hook-ups you may regret.)

I don't know what to say. I mean I've always been happy to have been born with a penis, but this song... this song overflows me with pride. I fill up with warmth the second those horns hit, trumpeting the arrival of the royal cock as it rides in on a white stallion. "Lower the drawbridge, bitches and hos," it says, "for I am here and you are going to suck it or not." But really, the "or not" part is just to be polite. There's never any question that no sucking will occur. Never.

This shit is on a whole 'nother level. Kna'mean?

Cam'ron sets it off with, "My dick hard as a motherfucker," which has obvious thematic implications. His dick is hard. As a motherfucker. Something needs to be done and fast. Right off the bat we know we're in for a ride, one that rap music constantly promises, yet fails to deliver. This is a ride on the brain train (like my double entendre?). Because this song isn't just for the homeboys or the club crowd or the young white people who call their friends their "niggas" but would never actually say it around black people. No. This is also a song is for the intellectuals, as long as those intellectuals have functioning penises.

This is the most masculine song I've ever heard, right down to the beat. The pounding bass, the rising-then-dropping horns: a phat not-so-subtext that mimics the motion a girl's head makes when she sucks it or not. A phat not-so-subtext that all but suggests the inherent superiority of the male species. All hail the King Cock. But the most impressive thing about this song isn't the beat or the flow.

It's the lyrics. Now let's pause for a second while I say that THIS BLOG ENTRY IS COMPLETELY SERIOUS! I LOVE THIS FUCKING SONG! Alright, let's move on. Below are the lyrics. I've bold-faced my favorite parts and bold-faced and italicized my ultra-favorite parts:

[Chorus: Cam'Ron]
Ma, I been hugging the block
That's right! hustlin rocks
I know, I been pufffin alot
But a nigga wanna know
Babygirl, are you gonna suck it or not?

[Cam'Ron]
Huh? My dick hard as a motherfucker
You don't what?! tell that shit to another sucker
I ain't no sucker mama, come on fuck the drama
And kiss it down, lil pucker-rama
I'm so active, you being so drastic
Got something for ya face, fuck pro-activ
I'm a pro at this
Round the globe, atlas
But I need to know ma, are you gonna suck it or not?
Baby girl, I'm in love with the twat
Missionary, back shots, pop it off, rock it off
I tell you right now if my cock is soft
But I want head before and after, top it off
On ya knees, show you how to top a boss
Lick, suck, deep throat, stop, cough, hop on, hop off, lollipop off
I know it's white, but here come the hot sauce

[Chorus]

[Cam'Ron]
Lookin light skinned, mami was tight slim
Fat ass, big tits, I noticed her nice chin
I approached her, slight grin, white Timbs number you can type in
Said she don't like men
I just laughed
Ma, if we lay, we lay
You don't like men? me neither, what a coincidink (what a coincidence)
Ms. Jiggy, Ms. Piggy, Pinky mink, pinky ring blingin'
Ma, are you gonna suck it or not?
I ain't the type to diss you, kinda like to hit you
That's the situation, bring wifey with you
Would you like a tissue? (Why?) You gon' need it
for the cum up in your nose baby girl cause you suckin my cock
Ain't a question now, it's a guarantee
They say I think I'm the shit, well apparently
But you won't hear words like "Marry me"
Only thing you gonna hear is, suck it or not

[Chorus]

[Lil Wayne]
I get head in the strangest places
2 at the same time, call it +Changing Faces+
I tell a bitch "we ain't trading places"
Now stand back and catch my amazing greatness [hehehah]
Taste and savor it
Vanilla Ice Cream, she say "ooh, my favorite"
Do you know who you playin' wit? Wayne
Chillin' like a scarecrow, looking for some brain
Drivin' in the range or flying on a plane
Her head is crazy so she's insane
She know the game
Get in and get right
Every bitch in the industry wanna rock my mic
I'm hot like light
I'm tough like Ike
I don't fuck with dog hoes cause them hoes might bite
Yeah, and if she follows
In the back of my mind, I'm hoping she swallows

[Chorus] - repeat 2X

Impressive, isn't it? If pressed, I'd have to say my ultra-ultra-mega-fave part is "Vanilla ice cream. She say, 'Oooh! My fav-o-rite!'" There's something about Lil Wayne's raspy, gangsta-Urkel voice that captures me. You can tell he's having fun on this track. Not to deny Cam'ron anything, but Lil' Weezy takes it away with his patented, on-track giggling that sounds uncannily similar to Crazy Legs's giggling in "Don't Be a Menace to South Central..."

It's funny, because way back in October I heard Young Buck rap the immortal line, "I just really wanna smoke my weed, fuck these hos, and stack my Gs," on Three-6 Mafia's "Stay Fly" and I was just blown away by the fucking machoness (if that's a word). I thought nothing could top it. I was wrong. While it may possibly be the best rap line ever, it cannot stand up to a whole song busting at the seams with male fantasy.

This song is BETTER than Akinyele's "Put it in Her Mouth." It's NOT BETTER than Kilo Ali's "Love in Her Mouth." But both of those songs have time on their side. They've been marinating for years. There are stories for those songs. Nostalgia. In five years, this will be the song that comes on at a party that makes you stop and say, "Oh, shit! I can't believe they playin' dis!"

And one more thing. I just noticed it actually: a few more jams like this and I'll be able to make a blowjob mix cd. I already have a dead homies mix.

She say, "Oooh! My fav-o-rite!"

It feels good to be the King.