I Miss Ja Rule!

Venni Vetti Vicci. I came, I saw, I fell off the face of the fucking Earth. Where are you, Ja Rule? I miss you... my nigga. You may have sounded like a Newport-smoking frog, but you were a Newport-smoking frog with talent. When will you hop back into the limelight? When will you reclaim your title as ill fucking MC?

When?

The first time I saw you you were being edited by MTV in the "Can I get a..." video featuring Jay-Z and that hot black chick whom I couldn't understand for the life of me. No offense, Ja, but I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about either, man. The only part of the song I could decipher was, "Baby girl better have my money fa sho." But it was brilliant. "Girl" and "fa sho" is near-rhyme if I've ever heard it. And I'm sure that if I could remember shit like meter, I'd know for sure whether your verses were penned in iambic pentameter or trochaic pentameter or just plain pentameter.

You're my nigga.

Holla Holla was a tour-de-force. I don't know the technical term for what that sound was, that uhUHuhUHuhUHuhUHuh bass-type thing that happened before you said "Holla holla," but that shit was tight. Best line in the whole song: "When I hits it, some women get twisted. Have em' twitchin', like "Damn look what the dick did." I've thought those exact same thoughts before, but I could never articulate them as well as you did. Thank you for being my mouthpiece. Thank you for being a medium.

You're my dawg.

While I enjoyed your work on the Light It Up soundtrack, I thought your single "How Many (Niggas Wanna Die Wit Me)" was much too similar to "Let's Ride," one of the better tracks off of your masterpiece, Venni Vetti Vicci. The part where you rap, "This life gon' drive me crazy... something... something... something" is borderline self-plagiarism. While both songs kick some serious fucking ass, I think they could kick some austere fucking ass if a little more work was put into "How Many (Niggas Wanna Die Wit Me)".

You're my fam.


Funny story: I didn't realize that "Livin' it up," that really shitty song you did with Case (is he still alive, by the way?) during my first semester of college was sampled until the other day when I was in this clothing store. Did Diddy produce that one for you? AHAHHAHAHA! See, I told you it was funny. Anyway, that song wasn't good, Ja. But I will never forget what you dropped after it. The song to end all songs. Ever. The song that will define you.

Always on Time.

Never has a song (besides Mo Money Mo Problems and End of the Road, the phat Boyz II Men joint) gotten so much play from me in the whip and the crib and on my old ass mp3 player that I got for mega cheap off of eBay. You have to tell me, what the fuck is that instrument in the background? It sounds kind of like a bassy harp. You used it in the I'm Real Remix with J. Lo, which was also very good, by the way. Those two songs defined my freshman year of college.

In fact, most of your music did. "Down Ass Bitch" was a perfect springtime jam. "Let's Ride" was slammin' in my friend's '93 Subaru Legacy. He had two 12's and he wasn't afraid to use them. For your music, Ja. Your music. My favorite line from all your songs: "Loose bitches in tight jeans." Jesus Christ, man. What the fuck? And you left us because of 50 Cent and Eminem? No, dude. No. Come back. Challenge 50 Cent to a game of chess or Scene It! You will win. He has no street cred left. It' s okay.

Eminem fell off too. And I liked him better than you!

This is my plea to you, Ja Rule. Find me on the internet, read my words, and come back and drop it like it's warm. Because I promise you this Ja: it will be hot soon enough. Scalding fucking hot. Like your bars, meltin' bitches like hot farts.

Do you like my near-rhyme?