Santa didn't die for your XBox 360...

... Jesus did. And I think that's thoughtful of him. I'll give him a shoutout from home while the rest of the family goes to church. Why? Because it's boring and I've had to go my whole life. It started out with just Sunday school. The whole thing was bad news from the start. I hated my classmates. So fucking pious and at such an early age. Dorks. All of them. Goody goodies. Fuck that shit. We had these cheap workbooks and we had to do homework. I didn't want to do homework. I wanted to watch Snick and eat junk food. I'd end up acting out in class. My stepmother was actually my third grade Sunday school teacher. My Dad met her because I was unruly.

Then, when I was older, I had to go to church after Sunday school. My Mom says it was because my Dad wanted to show the judge he was a good father (Divorce, baby!), but I think he had more genuine motives. Still, I used to get punished if I didn't go to church. My Dad would hide the Nintendo controllers and then I'd find them and then he'd hide the whole fucking console. Somehow I had trouble finding that. So usually I ended up at church because Street Fighter II just kicked so much ass (Ken, Guile, and Zangief in particular). Years of that soured me from organized religion. Ironically, I never really developed a relationship with God because everybody kept pushing him on me. Even to this day he is being shoved down my fucking throat. Ever been told you're going to burn in hell by a laconic, doe-eyed brunette? Yeah, me too.

Sometimes I feel like an average-looking white girl who has bad luck with relationships, and my BFF (the one who talks behind my back) keeps telling me she's got the perfect guy to hook me up with. Except we don't have anything in common and he's Asian and insists that we talk on IM a whole bunch before we actually see each other.

I think that, for the most part, I do believe in God. I really fucking hope there's an afterlife because I do not want to go to sleep forever. Have you ever had a dreamless sleep? That shit is scary. Imagine that for billions of hours. You won't know you're dead. You won't wake up. You get a certain amount of years and that's it? Jesus Christ. I really fucking hope there is a God. I really do.

As far as heaven goes, I think that God knows whether you're a good or bad person. Don't let these hardcore fundamentalist sons-of-bitches sit here and sell you their little four step or five step plan to becoming another blank-minded soldier of Christ. If Jesus died on the cross for your sins then why the hell are you not taking advantage of that? I'm not saying you have to murder people, but do something. Don't completely deprive yourself of temptation. There's no point. If Adam and Eve hadn't fucked up then I'd say, "Okay, fine. Don't eat fruit." But they did fuck up. Don't let Jesus's death be in vain... Or do you get bonus points if you don't sin? Is it like a flawless victory in Mortal Kombat? Do you get a more comfortable recliner in heaven if you convert so many heathens and/or skeptics? Do you get backstage passes to the Mercy Me concert?

It's hard to take these bastards seriously with websites like http://www.getsavedtoday.com:

"Look, I really have to make quota by the end of the month and you're not going to get a sweeter deal than this. No money down and 0% APR. You can't beat that. I'll even throw in the Tru Coat for free. They install it at the factory and -"

I don't want the Tru Coat.

"Yeah, but this Tru Coat. I'm tellin' ya. It's a sweet deal... Whaddaya say? Brand new soul, brand new ideology, one low price."

How much?

"Your life up until now."

Fuck that, Lundegaard.

P.S. - I googled that picture. If it offends you then please take 1000 cc's of "chill the fuck out." It's just a picture.

Merry Christmas!