Lower Back Tattoos

Having a tattoo on your lower back is like having a trucker cap sewn to your head: they're both artifacts that are going to be a bitch to get rid of. Remember when you got the Rachel haircut from Friends? It was cute, wasn't it? It got old, didn't it? You wouldn't get it now, would you? Well guess what? You have a fucking Rachel-cut inked into your flesh and it's not going to grow out.

Shit's old now, girls. It's been old. In fact, it was almost gone until Vince Vaughn brought it up in Wedding Crashers. He breathed another year of life into it. So go out and wear your pants low and your shirts high. Get that mileage, because the furrowed brows and regret will soon follow. Laser surgery is expensive. You'll be wishing you were James Bond in the movie Goldfinger, only turned over on your stomach so the laser can vaporize that curled, flowery, iron-looking thing above your ass.

Guys are to blame for calling it a tramp stamp or, after Wedding Crashers (which isn't half as fucking funny as everybody says it is), a bulls-eye. It's neither. Be creative. Make up your own little names for them. So far I've come up with slut barcode and Tara Reid. Both are fitting.

Here's a list of other unoriginal tattoos that girls will continue to get:

Roses
Cherries
Paw prints
White trash nicknames in cursive lettering (ie Angel)
Butterflies
Ladybugs
Their boyfriend's name

I just want to say one more thing. Girls, if you have a lower back tattoo, every guy with a functioning dick thinks he can sleep with you. You could be a Christian mermaid who makes straight As. Dudes are still going to expect you to spread your flipper even though you're incapable of doing so. Some guys will say this is a lie, but it's not. You may be classy. You may be prude. But Tara Reid isn't.

Don't act surprised.