Meet the Girls of Elimidate!

Wan... doo... tree... ELIMIDATE! The dating show for young professionals... that's if you're a secretary, bartender, student, or just wear a tie to your job like those mall kiosk cell phone assholes who try to convince everybody they're real salesmen (what an accomplishment). Now I searched the internet (first page of Google results) to see if something like this has already been done and I didn't see anything so I said fuck it. I'll write this shit. I may eventually do a "Meet the Guys!" type of thing, but I'm not sure.

I need to establish my credentials before I write this out: I used to watch this fucking show every day. I used to skip Astronomy class my sophomore year to watch it at my friend's dorm in the afternoon and I then I'd watch more of this piece of shit at night. There, I said it. Before I begin I want to posit this little tidbit: I don't think this show is taped anywhere but the prolapsed anus that is the Jersey shore. Maybe Newark too. Don't be fooled by the exterior shots of cities like San Diego, Seattle, and St. Louis. They're merely the freelance masturbation of local struggling film students who spend most of their time in java houses discussing Fellini and being douchebags. I apologize for using so many gerunds in the preceding paragraph (and the two in this sentence).

All that being said, I'd like to present you with MY version of the Elimidate caricatures (I mean archetypes). Keep in mind they can be mixed and matched, but these, for the most part, are the usual suspects you can expect to find on any given episode of Elimidate (except for the black episodes, but those are boring anyway... no, I'm not being racist... shut up).


The Prude

"I'm not going to do anything my mother can't watch." She wastes no time starting arguments. Her insults usually revolve around the other girls's outfits while she constantly asserts her chastity and high quality of character, even though she's in a fucking bikini top with her labia hanging out of her daisy dukes like warm wax candy. The Prude often makes it to the final round, only to be chosen over the Blonde Lush or Obnoxious Minority, who in their infinite stupidity have somehow realized that the greasy guido motherfucker in the black tanktop didn't sign up for the show to find his fucking soulmate. Or maybe they're just sluts. The Prude often uses her final video interview to say something to the extent of "He could've had all this, but he picked the one night stand." Don't be fooled; the Prude is haunted by second thoughts of what might have happened if she made out with Vincent in the rooftop hot tub or VIP room. Maybe she should re-evaluate her "I don't kiss on the first date" or, alternatively, her "No thanks. I don't do sloppy seconds" policy. Seriously, who has the fucking time?


Little Miss Taciturn

This sneaky little bitch of varying attraction (usually kind of average-looking) tries to play it cool during the first round catfights in order to create the illusion that she's sweet and pleasant (A+ strategy, you dumb bitch). She's quickly forgotten when the other girls won't shut the fuck up and is the first to be cut. Regardless of how she actually feels about the dude who sent her packing, she will use her last video interview as an opportunity to dog him and say something along the lines of "I wasn't feeling him AT ALL. I'm glad it's over because now I have the rest of the day to go find a real man." What she really means is she has the rest of the day to sit in a fucking coffee shop and call her friends to tell them how the guy "wasn't even cute" and how the other girls are all sluts ("if he wants them he can have them!"). She'd be singing a different tune if she took some initiative.


Mom

She's on the show to prove men still find her attractive. The oldest one of the group, she's usually blonde and a proud mother of a bastard child (probably named Matty or Mikey). Sit back and enjoy while the other girls tear her apart for being in her late twenties, something to which she often responds with, "No, sweetie. I'm just more experienced, thank you." She's usually knocked out in one of the first two rounds and ends up at another bar down the street so as not to let that full day of child care she paid for go to waste. Kind of like going to a fast food restaurant with a friend so you can use your last two coupons. Don't forget the Sunny D on the way home.


The Lush

Character development on a dating show? Surely you jest. Well, I jest you fucking not. This timid little vixen (also usually blonde) starts off as a potential front-runner for Little Miss Taciturn, only to transform into a sorority girl once she gets a few drinks in her system. Angelo purposefully mistakes her drunken antics for a fun and lovable personality so he doesn't have to slip her a roofie later in case she suddenly doesn't feel like getting reamed. As the rounds progress, she starts to trip over herself and burp and develop a case of bi-curiousness. If you're lucky, her behavior may uncover the latent lesbian desires one of the other girls has bottled up inside. Sensing a potential threesome, Luigi will convince them to makeout for a few seconds. If the girls stop showering him with attention and begin to show more interest in one another, he will cut the one that is least likely to sleep with him. In most cases, the Lush wins because there are less roadblocks to her vagina.


Obnoxious Minority

Usually a Latina or a JAP who wishes she was a Latina. She signed on for the free alcohol and the Lebanese dude who pretends he's Italian. This bitch is looking to start a fight with anybody who doesn't respect her tough-talking persona. She likes to pretend she's "being real" or "telling it how it is" and expects the other girls to fear her. Her favorite phrase is "You don't know me." Look for her to shout it while she stereotypes her competition. She usually ends up in the final round with the Lush or the Prude. If she's pitted against the Lush then Mr. Jersey Shore 2005 will host a kissing contest. The loser gets to leave the hot tub or VIP room. The winner gets to suck his greasy dick when the cameras leave.


Fugly

Scenario: You're watching the opening lineup to see what the girls look like. Suddenly you feel your face twist and contort like you just made love to a fat chick whose favorite condiment is Ranch dressing. Fugly did that. You can't wrap your mind around how the fuck she got on this show. I'll tell you how: she mistakingly showed up to the Elimidate offices to audition for the new reality series Sideshow and the producers cast her anyway. Fugly almost always makes it to the second round. Why? Because fucking A.J. or Lorenzo wants everybody to think he's not shallow, so he cuts Little Miss Taciturn instead. In turn, Fugly becomes the Little Miss Taciturn of round two while the Lush and Prude (or Obnoxious Minority) battle it out. Fugly's not surprised when she gets booted. She's just happy she wasn't cut first and, as a result, says something nice in her final video interview. In her mind she almost won. In ours she belongs on Sideshow.