Eight Cartoon Bitches That Would Get Run Through

8. The Pink Snork

Imagine the blowjobs you could get from that shit on her head. Her pigtails are sexy too. What's the snork-to-human scale? Is she plankton? I fucking hope not. How is she ice skating if her home is in the sea? She's not amphibious, is she? I hope she falls... on my dick... Just kidding!



7. The Plump Chipette Theodore is Supposed To Screw

I think her name is Eleanor. Not sure. Don't care. She has the lowest self-esteem out of all the Chipettes. Throw her a few "You're beautiful's" and "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend's" and she's yours. She may be a little on the thick side (girl you thicky thick!) but she's not really fat. Still, when compared to the all-American Brittany and sexy librarian Jeanette, Eleanor doesn't have a niche. She likes sweets and probably still listens to Hanson. I have no doubt in my mind that she's willing to try new things. Anything it takes to one-up her sisters. Ask her to sneak out of the house when David Seville is babysitting. He can't keep track of everybody.


6. Sonja

I tend not to fuck around with spoiled rich girls (or is it that they tend not to fuck around with me?), but this pampered bitch is all about slumming with the underprivileged. Her resident penis, Heathcliff, is one bad motherfucker. HNIC. He's got the block locked down. Shit, even humans are afraid of him and his potential for merckdom. Sonja's master doesn't want her fucking around with a hood cat like that, but she does anyway. She's like Timothy Dalton's homely daughter in Beautician and the Beast, except Sonja is hot. She'll go to bat and catch a case for a nigga, and that's an admirable trait. If you wear a leather jacket and comb your hair a lot, or if you have cornrows, then Sonja may be purr-fect for you (ahhahahahah!).



5. April O'Neil

Auto mechanic or cock hungry nympho? You decide. She does have one hell of a body on her. It's a shame that Channel 6 News insists she covers it up with a yellow jumpsuit. I always thought she was a bit plain in the face. Maybe a lot of people don't watch Channel 6. Maybe Channel 6 News is like the news on the local CBS stations in every city (those anchors are hurting!) Regardless, April O'Neil is desperate for some dick, and I like that. She's easier than a spelling test in an ESL class (as long as English isn't your second language). Apparently that turns a lot of guys off, because I don't think this bitch has ever been on a date. I can't blame the dudes, though. Who wants to date a female that spends her spare time in a sewer? I think the Ninja Turtles are even ashamed at how much of a loser she is. But that's what's so good about her. Nobody else wants her so she's yours by default. Take advantage of her inability to get along with humans. Understand her pain and loneliness and preference for amphibians and she's yours.

4. Babs Bunny

Lapine and underage, I still don't give a fuck. Babs has personality. She's like a pink, rabbit version of Sarah Silverman (who is so fucking sexy). I really don't think Babs's real comedy genius had a chance to shine through on Tiny Toons since it was for kids and all. She could have been real fucking raunchy given the proper venue. Babs is the type of girl who has trouble procuring dick. She's got the looks, but her persona tends to scare guys away (not me). This leads me to believe Babs probably has the largest collection of Acme Dildos this side of Roger Rabbit's asshole. She probably has an anvil sybian too. The good thing about Babs is she's not willing to compromise her personality and sense of humor for some beef root. Stick around when everybody else doesn't and you can hide your carrot in her cave. Maybe she'll do her radical impression of Phyllis Diller.

3. Princess Jasmine

I've always wanted to get with an Indian chick. Wait. Is she Indian? I'm digging on those big brown, will-be-polite-for-some-peasant-dick eyes of hers. And that ponytail too. I'm all about some brunettes with ponytails. I guarantee that every dude in Agrabah has beat it to her at least once. Even the dude that wanted to cut off her hand. Even Abu. The only problem I might have with her is her background. Indian, Arab, whatever, there's a weird smell to them that I can't see myself getting used to. I guarantee the fucking palace smells like curry or fresh martyrdom. All those spices and limbs might throw off my performance. Plus Raja, her tiger, may not want to leave the chamber while I'm trying to shove my scepter into her throne room. I can't fuck when pets are watching. I don't like it when Rover is panting while I plow his master. Is he getting horny? Is he thinking about dog stuff, like eating his own shit? I don't know. Now imagine that shit with a tiger. Iago the parrot could enter at any moment too. Fuck that.


2. Gadget

First off, I just want to say this: Gadget is a fucking slut. Chip, Dale, Monterey Jack (chee-eee-eeeseee!), the swoll green fly motherfucker -- they've all had a piece. When she's not getting dick from them she's screwing herself with her tail. She tries to play it off like she's one of the guys, tries to hide those sexy eyes of hers in her work, but she's not fooling anybody. Those goggles on her head aren't for protection when she's welding bondage devices out of paper clips; they're for role-playing. Sick, twisted, rodent role-playing. They also protect her eyes from bukkake. She'd let Fat Cat hit it from the back if he wouldn't try to eat her afterwards (literally, you perverts). As easy as she is, she still manages to retain that innocent quality. I chalk that up to the superb editing. The Rescue Rangers production team could release a compilation of deleted scenes and win a fucking AVN Award. Gadget is a shoo-in for Starlet of the Year (fuck you, Jenna Haze).

1. Ursula

"So, Jeff. Why Ursula?" Well, I'll tell you why. Yes, she may be a little on the fugly side, but beauty is only a few thousand leagues below. She has a small thyroid problem (girl you thick! you thicky thicky thick!), but that's negligible because she has eight legs. Eight legs. Eight fucking legs. That means FOUR SEPARATE VAGINAS. And since her whole lower body is an octopus, I'm willing to bet that her kegel muscles could break one of those professional grade hand-grip exercisers in half. You don't have to worry about doing anal with a chick like that.

Ursula's also a bit older, but she's still ambitious. She almost took the entire ocean from the miserly King Triton. Ambition is sexy. So is financial stability, which is what Ursula has. I'm willing to barter my young and ready body for a few of her sand dollars (ahhahahahaha! get it?). It'd be a fair trade. And shit, even if she isn't rich, at least I won't go hungry. I bet she could catch me more fish than fucking Captain Gorton. Ursula can also transform herself into a hot, olive-skinned brunette of Mediterranean descent (witchcraft, cuz!). This means lots of nude tanning on the beaches of Greece and Cyprus.


I don't doubt she can swim very fast. If we're just chilling somewhere in the Pacific Ocean and we suddenly have the urge to take a vacation in Chile, I could ride on her back while she jets us through the ocean at lightning speed. Then, when we get there, she can morph into her ultra hot land-roving body. See, that's what's good about Ursula: the best of both worlds. If I'm in the mood for a fat chick I can bone her in the sea. If I'm in the mood for a hot, tan brunette, I can be her land lubber (hahahahhahahah! omigod, I'm good!).

Either way, I'm getting laid.