Bluetooth Shitnology

We're all just so fucking impressed that you think you're important enough to wear this Matchbox car-looking piece of shit on your head all day. Are you a receptionist? Are you a CEO? Are you an agent? Are you a borg from Star Trek: The Next Generation? No. You're the guy standing in line at Chipotle who hasn't received a phone call in the past two and a half hours. You're the same dude that paid out the ass for a Mini Cooper when the Italian Job came out a few summers ago, rode the ever-loving shit out of it, and then traded it in for a major loss. That shit on your ear is the equivalent of circling the mall parking lot and blasting Nelly's "Ride Wit Me" on repeat. But it's cool, man. No beef... no beef.

So what does it do, homie?... Are you serious?... You mean all you have to do is say "Call Fuckface" twice so that the awesome voicewave nanotechnology can verify that you do in fact want to call Fuckface and then that pack of 25 cent gum on your ear will phone Fuckface while your hands are left free to pick your nose or re-adjust your balls?... No way, dawg. I don't believe it... Okay, okay... Does it come in different designs, like Sonic the Hedgehog's razor-sharp back?... Just futuristic colors like ice blue?... That sucks... Can it blink like those black velcro shoes that retarded kids wear?... Dude, why not?

Do you toggle the volume a lot when pretty girls walk by so it looks like you're trying to hear somebody with a bad connection?... I know. Maybe they'll notice you next time and want to fuck you because you look important and cool with that game piece from Mouse Trap stuck to your large ear. I really think it will happen for you, dude. Really, I do.

One more thing... Eat shit.