Prevent Injury During Face-Fucking

Yes, this entry contradicts my previous entry. No, I don't give a fuck.

Midgets can comfortably give oral sex to full-sized humans. You would think that sitting in a kiddie chair would accurately simulate such a natural and exciting experience, but you're wrong. A curved back is no match for an erect spine when the mouth must perform these feats of endurance. Too much stress is placed on the neck. This means hardcore face-fucking sessions may result in whiplash. Whiplash is not tantamount to your partner's pleasure. Therefore, unless you are a midget, get your face fucked at your own discretion. Unless you're a midget with another midget. Then face-fucking is just as dangerous. Unless one of you has paint can stilts with yarn handles readily availabe.

But if you're anything like me you realize that the injury is well worth the risk. But why does risk have to be a factor, especially when face-fucking is such a viable alternative to its evil cousin, penetration? It doesn't. Countermeasures can be taken to ensure your next face-fucking is both pleasurable and worry-free. Below are two of them:

1. Strengthen your Trapezius Muscles

Now ladies, I'm aware that you're afraid that so much as looking at a weight will turn you into an Amazonian she-beast. You couldn't be more right. This is why I recommend doing a lot of grocery shopping. In order to reap the full benefits you're going to need to park the vagina bullet or bastard shuttle (for the single or married, respectively) in the back of the parking lot. While shopping, use baskets instead of a cart. Next, grab as much skim milk as you can carry. Heavy, isn't it? Good. Now permeate the empty spots inside the basket with cans of chunk light tuna. The baskets will become even heavier. This is good. Now comes the hard part:

Shrug the baskets up like you're trying to touch your shoulders to your ears. Feel that burning sensation? Not the one in your cervix; the one around your neck. You have just activated your trapezius muscles. I know what you're thinking: "But Jeff, why can't I just Harlem Shake with suitcases full of hammers?" Because that would be too fun, ladies. With baskets in hand and shoulders shrugged, proceed to the self-checkout counter. Yes, you can stop to see if the Massengill douchebags are on sale, even though they're very affordable at regular price. This will add to the time under tension your muscles undergo.


I ask that you go to the self-checkout line because the Tammy's and Latoya's and Esther's and Lupe's and Gupta's and Timmy's that man the cash registers of the world have a knack for bagging your shit in a fucked up manner. At the self-checkout line YOU get to determine how your shit is arranged when it goes into a sack. That being said, equally distribute the milk and tuna into two separate plastic bags. Double bag these bags and head for your vehicle. Keep those trapezius muscles taut. Pretend they're NOT you're vagina. That might help.

When you get home, put the tuna and milk away so your husband won't have a reason to beat you. Not because you necessarily did anything wrong, but because things aren't going well at work and he's having second thoughts about not fucking the the neighbors's barely legal daughter with the tight ass and long flowing locks of perfect brown hair who's home from her first semester of college and thinks she knows how the fucking world operates because she took a few one-hundred-level courses like Sociology and Theatre Appreciaton.

But don't dwell on that. Pour yourself a glass of milk and whip up some tuna salad. For one. The protein in this hearty meal promotes muscle growth and recovery. Wash the dishes (you know why) and take a nap. Your husband may want to fuck your face when he gets home, but you can't let him. When he raises his fist in anger and you see that the cufflinks he's wearing aren't the ones you gave him for your anniversary, don't cry. Explain to him what you're doing. He won't strike you. I promise.

Do this once every other day until you feel like your neck is strong enough to withstand the force 0f a horny mandingo who just returned from a hood barbecue. Then let your husband's boss face-fuck you. Revenge will be sweet.

2. Have Your Face Fucked Against a Flat Surface. Preferably a Nerf Surface.

Nerf was made for face-fucking and spiral-friendly footballs.